Menopause and Therapy

Expressionist painting from Hokusai's Great Wave off Kanagawa in reds, yellows and black.

World Menopause Day 2021

Truthfully I don’t know how – or even whether – to celebrate World Menopause Day. What I do know is that if you are reading this, you may be seeking some clarity about your situation, whether for you or someone close to you.

Things are gradually changing for the better. Awareness-raising is increasing and more people are shouting about menopause, particularly those who are generally excluded from the mainstream narrative, for example: people who are LGBTQIA+, Black, neurodivergent, or who experience surgical or premature menopause. 

‘Why did nobody tell me?’ 

But there is so much more to do and, while society learns to adapt to the needs of this enormous population group, a lot of people are still floundering. Particularly those without the resources to have their voices heard via the media. But whoever you are, and whatever resources you have access to, you may still be wondering why no one ever said a word to you about peri/menopause.

Perimenopause is a Thing

I mean, you probably knew that – but if you’re in your 30s you need to be knowing about it now. If you’re in your mid-late 30s to early 40s and are experiencing changes in your mood or body, or exacerbations to existing conditions you may have, this may be peri and you need to know about it. You are not ‘too young’, no matter what anyone tells you. Looking back, mine started at 39 and possibly earlier.

Menopause is a Hormonal Transition

A hormonal transition means change. A change in outlook. A change in desire. A change in what you can tolerate. It may mean a shift in how you view your sexuality and your gender. I’ve spoken about this in a talk called ‘Menopause – Agent of Queerness?’

Menopause is Compounding and Multifactorial 

Whatever is already going on for you, whether connected to your identity or to your life experience, menopause is going to interact with it. If you are already affected by past or present trauma, mental and physical ill health, disability, financial concerns, domestic abuse, lack of resources, minority or minoritised identity, menopause will exacerbate it. (Eventually, it may help things too, but there is a lot to get through first.)

And the way menopause is promoted, and treated, in society mirrors systemic bias, whether ageism, racism, ableism, misogyny, or transphobia.

Menopause doesn’t only happen to Cis Women

Trans men and non-binary people also experience menopause. (I’ve written more here about the non-binary experience of menopause.) Seeing peri/menopause information, resources, discussions, social media posts, etc, addressed only to ‘women’ can actively hinder someone’s attempt to inform themselves and get support. There are negative health outcomes to this. Actually, lots of folks dislike the gendering of everything in healthcare particularly, especially being called ‘ladies’.

Menopause doesn’t only happen to White Women

As above, I could say the same about the whiteness of much menopause information and resources. People of colour’s experiences are barely being heard about or acknowledged. It’s not good enough.

‘I need help – but what kind of help?’

 In some corners of social media there is a certain pressure to be super positive about menopause. If you are seeking cheerleading, there are plenty of practitioners and they are easy to find.

But I’m thinking you came onto a therapist’s website because you need somewhere to talk about what’s going on for you on a number of levels. To name aloud what’s happening to you inside and outside. 

There may be anger, fear and shame. You may not feel able to talk about the things that are going on in your mind and body. Your working life and relationships may be in turmoil. You may be wondering who you ever were and realising that, looking back, it all felt like a costume. Parts of you may be opening up, and other parts may be shutting down.

You may be non-binary or trans or queer and have very few places to explore how menopause intersects with your life. You may be cis and straight but feel totally alienated by the mainstream menopause narrative. 

Whatever you need to bring, I can offer you a place to talk about it.

You can contact me here.

My Research is now Published!

Read about the experience of LGBTQ+ menopausal clients in therapy

I am delighted to announce that my research, ‘How can therapists and other healthcare providers best support and validate their queer menopausal clients?’ is published.

You will find it in the journal Sexual and Relationships Therapy, which is published by Taylor & Francis. SRT is the in-house journal of COSRT, the UK-based therapist organisation College of Sex and Relationship Therapists.

You can read more about this research on my other blog here.

Please check out my site queermenopause.com for more information on the project as a whole, and the resources page.

I started this project two years ago. I am incredibly grateful to the friends and colleagues who helped me shape my ideas, and to the participants who gave me their time and told me so many important stories.

If you are struggling with anything to do with menopause and would like to explore more deeply what is going on for you, you can contact me here.

Trans Awareness Week 2020 – Are you still unsure about trans rights?

Trans Awareness Week runs from 13th to 20th November.

The last day of Trans Awareness Week, November 20th, is the annual International Trans Day of Remembrance, when people gather to mourn the loss of all the trans and gender diverse people who were murdered, or died by suicide, during the previous 12 months. There is always a long list of names. Many are trans women of colour.

Content note

This post isn’t ‘How to be a better ally’. And it’s not a gender explainer either (links at the bottom), nor a point-by-point bad science debunker. So who and what is it for?

This post is for anyone who is still unsure where they stand on trans rights. It’s about how to look at your feelings and wonder about them, for greater awareness and the benefit of all. I’m going back to the individual and the personal because you can strategise all you like, and read activist blogs and talk for hours about what you might do, but until you look at yourself and your beliefs, you won’t get very far.

Please note: Shaming (of yourself or anyone else) is not the aim here – we are all, no matter who we are, in a process of unlearning something.

History is repeating itself

Anyone who does not believe that trans rights are human rights, I will very gently suggest, is on the wrong side of history. Sure, it may not look like it right now, if you only get your information from mainstream media. An entire community gaslighted and abused – it ought to be illegal to say this stuff. (Oh, wait…) But remember what people said about gay men and lesbians back in the 80s – about contagion, perversity, the danger to children? Here are all the tropes again with another minority. How long do we have to wait for the current wave of prejudice to burn out?

Are you still unsure about trans rights?

This post is for anyone who still thinks trans and non-binary lives might be a debate – (but biology surely!) – and that there might be dangers here, but is not sure about that either, having seen trans and non-binary people coming into discussion threads with lengthy clarity and boundless energy, explaining, arguing, asserting the rights of gender diverse humans, pointing out the bad science, over and over and over.

There is a price to be paid for this seemingly boundless energy. You may not see the overwhelm and exhaustion from having to repeatedly respond to query after query after devil’s advocate after ‘I happen to believe…‘ from yet another cis person on yet another thread. It takes a colossal amount of emotional labour. Sometimes people tag trans people into very toxic threads, (perhaps even with good intentions), and they end up seeing yet more ‘opinions’ on their right to exist in the world, and wading through comments posted by overnight biologists talking about ‘large gametes’. Do you really want to contribute to this?

Trans rights are not a debate. ‘Debate’ is often a debased activity. It’s really about who gets upset first, making the other the ‘winner’. Either that, or it’s a theatre for false opposition (see: a lot of mainstream media content, unfortunately).

Where to start? With yourself.

You may have trans friends, but they’re okay as individuals, right? Or perhaps you think you don’t know anyone trans or non-binary? Actually, you probably do. They may be keeping quiet because they are unsure of you.

Expecting someone to debate their own right to exist – and only live a life free to be who they are after you have allowed them to – is inhumane. You likely know this, deep down.

How to move forward in understanding – some suggestions and thought starters

You could look at them in order, or just one or two. It may be that something in this list rings bells for you more than the rest – go with that. Whatever takes you forward.

• Be open about your unsureness, and the beliefs that support it: Let them out to air, write them down privately if you need to, share them with yourself or a trusted cis friend (don’t ask a trans person to do this work with you, as their labour will be double). Breathe. What else comes up?

• What do you fear? Next time you have that ‘Yes but what about’ feeling, ask yourself where it may be coming from. What causes you to see one minority group as having fewer rights than another? Perhaps you heard negative views in your family as a child?

• Think about when you saw something negative written about trans people. Were this writing by a trans person? If not, reflect on why you think a cis person would know better, however respected or high profile they may be. Perhaps you read even just one negative newspaper article when young, (particularly if you grew up before the internet) that somehow buried itself in your brain.

• Reflect on where you saw the negative commentary. Think about how much you actually trust mainstream media. Remember the last time you saw an article in mainstream media about a subject you are an expert in? I can pretty much guarantee it made you angry very quickly, with all the inaccuracies and mispresentations.

• Think about your own history. It may help to think back to a time that you were othered, excluded, had assumptions made about you, were threatened, or attacked. Think about the different intersections in your identity that others decided were unacceptable. If you find yourself saying ‘But but this is different!’ No, it’s not. Your feelings were your feelings. Imagine experiencing those feelings every day, because each day brings a batch of new attacks on your dignity, personhood, or right to exist. Again, it may help to talk or write about this.

• Reflect on your own gender. How did/do you know who you are? What stories do you tell yourself about your gender? I’ve linked below to some helpful books.

• Read or watch work by trans and non-binary authors, artists, and speakers. As more and more trans and non-binary people testify about their own experience (and many would dearly love not to have to do this, over and over again), they have created a body of work waiting for you to read or listen to. It’s all out there.

Not everyone is a big reader, or has time to be. There are many videos. Or you could start with Twitter or Instagram. Follow hashtags like #TransAwarenessWeek, #TransAwareness, or #Trans. Those hashtags will lead you to organisations and individuals who post a lot, about information and personal experience. You will see anger and frustration and you will start to understand why. Busy Twitter threads are a very quick way to understand how groups of people feel about their lives. Twitter can be absolutely terrible but, if you take care, you will find a lot. (The language around gender diversity evolves quite fast. Reading these fast moving media will show you how this happens.)

• Listen, read, and do the work. Please don’t ask a trans or non-binary friend – or stranger online – to educate you. Not unless they have very specifically offered this.

And finally…

I have kept this post within a number of boundaries or it would have been thousands of words long.

You may have read my list of suggestions and thought they could apply to your relationship with many other groups that you do not share an identity with. And you would be right. I have been inspired to write this post by many things – my own evolving identities, the wellbeing of my communities, and the appalling misinformation being spread around.

It has also been inspired by a number of Black authors who are doing a lot of public engagement around anti-racism, particularly as Black Lives Matter gains more and more traction. I am particularly grateful to Leila Saad for the highly structured and tightly held anti-racism journey she offers in her book: Me and White Supremacy.

Resources

This is a very brief selection.

Online

A Guide to Being an Ally to Transgender and Nonbinary Youth. By the Trevor Project. An introductory educational resource that covers a wide range of topics and best practices on how to support transgender and nonbinary people.

My Genderation. Trans-run organisation making films for and about trans people, for everyone. YouTube channel here.

Mermaids. Charity that supports trans and non-binary children and young people under 20, and their families.

Julia Serano Tireless writer, unpicker of complexities, and debunker of myths (and biologist).

Watch

Disclosure – Documentary on Netflix in which trans actors and writers discuss the history of trans portrayal in film and TV. It will shake up your view of many popular films.

Travis Alabanza Artist and performer.

Alok Vaid-Menon Writer and performer.

Books & authors

Non-Binary Lives Anthology of 30 non-binary life stories.

Trans Like Me by CN Lester.

Trans, A Memoir by Juliet Jacques.

Kate Bornstein Author of My New Gender Workbook and others.

Meg-John Barker Author of How to Understand your Gender (co-authored with Alex Iantaffi) and Gender-A Graphic Guide (illlustrated by Jules Scheele), and others.

Lists

Seven books about trans people of colour

Books by trans writers of colour

Children’s Books with Transgender, Non-Binary and Gender Expansive Children

Queer Menopause now has its own website!

Blogging silence

First off, I’m aware that I haven’t been posting on here much during lockdown. I keep starting things, and then experiencing a sense of extreme pointlessness. Each time I decide to write about opening up relationships, or peak experiences, or sexual and non-sexual BDSM from a therapists’s perspective – (or for that matter, the urgency of queer haircuts in a time of Covid) – I remember that we have an incurable virus at large at the beginning of winter, people dying, fascism everywhere, and the earth going up in flames.

Menopause takeover?

A Martian dropping by might think this site was really all about the subject of menopause, or that menopause had somehow taken over. Perhaps, along with the murder hornets, walking sharks, and some nervously awaited geese, a further horror come true of 2020 will be the entire population being forced into menopause until a vaccine is found. This would be most interesting.

Queermenopause.com unveiled

Menopause has not taken over, but, while my research goes through the peer review system, I’ve been working on a project that I hope will be helpful in the future. The project is a new website which I am delighted to reveal: queermenopause.com.

Menopause happens to people. Trans men, non-binary people, and intersex people are excluded when menopause information is restricted only to cisgender women. The site has an LGBTQIA+ focus, but I also want to offer resources that apply to anyone whose experience of menopause is excluded from, or not sufficiently acknowleged by, the mainstream. There is a lot of work to do. First blog post here: Welcome to queermenopause.com. You can also find this project on Instagram @queermenopause.

I am also seeking to inform practitioners of all kinds about the LGBTQIA+ experience of menopause, and about menopause itself.

Queer Menopause in the media

I have been seeing my clients online all the way through lockdown, and I’ve also contributed to a couple of books. One is an interview for Still Hot!, a collection of 42 interviews about menopause experience. I’m also happy to say that Diva’s queer menopause feature from December 2019, which I took part in, is now available online: This is the end… of your period.

Moving forward…

I’m very glad to have this project off the ground, and I will be adding to it as time goes on. Please get in touch if your work is relevant to this project. I welcome suggestions of practitioners, trainers and researchers who are working in this area.

I hope to return to non-menopause blogging soon.